On Love & Sex. Take 2 *Bad Sex*

ImageSo, after eating some hot Indian spicy snack, warming up by the stove, at least I feel warm inside and out. The list of excuses not to even talk about sex continues. So many things on the “to do” list. And to tell you the truth: If hubby walked in and looked at me a certain way, talking to me in the kind of voice that just stirs up the waters in the depths of my belly, all of those things on the list could be there a while longer, without a worry on my mind about it.

But then to write about it? This is a public blog. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. Signing up for this had nothing to do with thinking. I was feeling something. I am a woman. One who has things to share on the subject. One who was fortunate enough to run into just the right situations, information and mentors on the subject.

Sexual arousal is a natural thing, just like eating and drinking. Without it none of us would even be here. Even little ones experience arousal, and have their ways of exploration. If we haven’t blocked out our childhood, we may still remember innocent explorations. That is if we were lucky enough to have no interference from adults who had poor guidance and discernment in what was sexually appropriate at the time. So why the hesitation? All opinions about puritan and other unhealthy, unnatural influences from organized religions aside, all reservations about good taste and so on aside, I am doing this self imposed assignment.

So let’s talk about it. One thing needs to be said upfront: I am writing from either personal experience or what I have witnessed along the way through people who were kind enough to share. I have a boundary here, and it’s nobody’s business but mine.

I don’t know why but bad sex is the first thing that comes up. Why not?  What is bad sex? That depends who you ask. From the perspective of I imagine either party (if they could bring themselves to be honest with themselves): when sex becomes a chore. It has to be done to allow for some release, as not doing it results in violent tempers flaring, or some other abuse of power situation. A rather sad and lonely form of sex. No communication, just the physical mechanics and then, moving on. This is a pattern that often comes from growing up in loveless situations, even if there is the occasional notion of love, there often is a disconnect by being too much in the head. It can take quite some moving and shaking (of a different kind), soul searching, browsing around to find info that resonates, or running into someone like my dear friend Lynne, before one or both parties wake up to even recognize other patterns exist or can be created. Listen to Lynne of Shades of Momma talk on Pelema TV about how shockingly common it is that women spend many years having sex without orgasm.

Many also consider sex “bad” when the giving and receiving of pleasure is not in balance. This can happen when there is too much judgment going on and no actual connection is made. Sex can be a way to get out of your head, but not when you have Mr. or Mrs. Judgerson going on and on in your head. Breathing, deep abdominal breathing is an essential element of opening up to yourself and your partner. And eye contact. That does send the Judgersons packing.

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(Image: http://artofmanliness.com/2012/02/05/look-em-in-the-eye-part-i-the-importance-of-eye-contact/)

Another form of sex can be so bad, it’s actually good for some. Therapeutic if you will. It may involve all sorts of toys and rubber or leather attire. And endless play of domination and submission. The play involves trust and surrender. And surprisingly for some, a lot of respect, as the players explore boundaries together, and develop ways of communicating them. Some of this is far removed from what is usually considered natural. Human beings are a wild and colorful bunch. Or at least we can be. On the other end of the spectrum we can be terribly restrained.

Let me just send some Love to all who have read this, and who are triggered by some of what is shared here. Thank you for being here. Feel free to also share what is on your mind.

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